First, the grief. I have the biggest meglo-ball of grief sitting on me right now. It's a combination of the approaching five-year anniversary of my little brother's death (the realization of which kinda snuck up on me the other night) and just the malingering malaise left in the wake of my decision to end the gig with XGF. (Even though I needed to do it, that doesn't make it easier to deal with the absence of ... just about everything from someone to share meals with to lackluster sex.)
I'm sure this partly explains the unrefined, unedited venting about my lesbian sistahs in the preceeding blog entries. (But, still, I mean that shit. Just normally I keep it to myself.) Going to that Pride event yesterday and seeing hundreds of carbon copies of that *hideous* blind date I had a few weeks ago was more than my aching heart can take.
I'm very good in a relationship (until I check out), and I can stomach being single pretty well, but when I think of *dating,* I get turned inside out. I'm much more shy in this arena than it might appear. But whatever. I'm not going to do that for a while, so I'll deal with it later.
Second, the beef. I need to fess up to something Dr. M has called a "blinder behavior." This is something you do that you claim not to do and don't want to admit to others *or* to yourself that you do. Something to which you steadfastly maintain the blinders. After a while of living with such a behavior -- and not being all that great at hiding things from myself -- I've just got to come out and say it:
I'm eating beef. In fact, I just went to the store and bought a nice fat boneless ribeye, and I'm gonna cook it all good and juicy rare and eat that sucker for dinner tonight. I have also been eating ground beef, which is a hideous thing, given my experience watching someone die from that Mad Cow disease. I should know better; I shouldn't be eating that shit. But I am. I'm no stranger to a pepper bacon Tillamook cheeseburger. ... And here's the other thing: If I thought for a moment that it was safe, I'd eat the ground beef totally raw. I have a taste for really bloody meat.
This is a blinder behavior because I stopped eating beef more than 10 years ago, for all sorts of moral, ethical and health reasons. The consumption of it today remains at odds with those reasons, which are still quite important to me. But I just find I've been craving the stuff. And I've been eating it on the sly, when no one is looking.
Third, the wine. I have an absurd amount of wine in my home. Never fear, it'll get consumed. But it might take a while because I don't actually want to drink some of it. (Sadly, Dr. M, someone served you a glass of really cheap cooking wine at my party -- it wasn't me -- when there was better stuff you could've been drinking. Apparently not the rose, though.) Perhaps I should just have a come-drink-my-alcohol event. Or simply impose a two-drink minimum on *all* visitors. Even recovering alcoholics.
Even with all this wine, however, I went off and bought *another* bottle of it. I am clearly a sucker for marketing strategies. I was in the line at the grocery, waiting patiently to buy my big fat ribeye, when I saw this white wine from Umbria there on the end-cap. The little note said, "If you like unusual, unoaky whites, you've got to try this one." ... Well, OK then. So I bought it. It will now join the fray in my fridge.
Lastly, and this *really* sucks: I got *declined* for health insurance coverage today. Turns out my blood pressure -- for the love of god, it's not THAT high -- and my weight aren't good enough for the cherry-pickers. I'm not sure, but I think this is like being declined for a credit card: Once it starts happening to you, you're FUCKED.
Now, I have to wait until school starts in September to get on the group plan through the college, assuming there are no criteria requiring me to be ... healthy.
Right now, I feel like drinking, smoking and eating too much. Thank heavens there's a ribeye on the stove and an already-opened bottle of zinfandel that someone brought to the party. Now, all I need is a cig and a cupcake.
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2 comments:
I KNOW! Cupcakes rule!
But then, cupcakes are probably why I can't get insurance.
At least I don't have a history of smoking tobacco. In that case, the insurance company probably would've sent a letter that was all, "Like, ohmigawd! You think we're gonna insure you? ROFL! LMAO! ... WHATthefuckEVER, lady! Have you thought of getting counseling for your delusions? MMWAA..HAHAHA! Sincerely, BlueCross BlueShield."
Sorry to hear about your feeling down. Here's my unsolicited, itemized treatment of your woes
A) There's nothing like a Pride gathering to make one feel anything but pride. I totally avoid them these days. Allow yourself to have an opinion about the lesbian community you see around you, you're entitled. Although, you can't take the Craigslist community too seriously. It's more like watching Fox (the channel).
B) As for the blinder behavior, um.. even the Dalai Lama eats a steak once a month, on the advice of his doctor. If you're mindful about where your food comes from you're ahead of the game. Healthwise, it's a different story, isn't it? (re: the blood pressure/cholesterol, etc)
C)The wine -- pfft. WhatEVER. Wine is GOOD for you. Look at the Cypriots, Italians, French, etc. They live to be like 100 on a diet of wine and olive oil. Were/are you Catholic? Your guilt is so..familiar. I share it.
D) Being denied insurance - that sucks ROYALLY. I have nothing for you there but sympathy. Oh and anger at the American system. This would never happen if we were in Sweden.
[disclosure: i fell off (?) my quitting smoking wagon a mere 15 days after climbing on it. i should STFU].
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