It takes two to tango

Recently, Dr. M, Bubba and I engaged in a conversation about whether there is a "protocol" for relationships between lesbians and straight girls. Bubba had a rather involved answer that seemed to focus mainly on repressing feelings of attraction for the "wrong" kind of girl. (Granted, Bubba did not use the word "repress;" that is my own interpretation of what she said, given that I have a long and solid history of engaging in just the behavior she described.)

So I have a lot of sympathy for that perspective, but I've come to believe that it's perfectly fine to be attracted to someone, regardless of their sex or sexual orientation -- even if the object of one's attraction happens to be a friend. Repression of such feelings never seems to do anything but harm. If you're going to employ the massive psychological powers of repression for something, it should be the memory of a traumatic event (which can include seeing the bare midriff of women in their 70s who are wearing inappropriately sexual clothing in the grocery store -- which happened to me the other week and I'm *still* suffering). But why use it for the blessed goodness of harmless sexual attraction?

Ulitmately, I don't think there are any special protocals, per se, that differ for friendships between queer and straight gals. That's because I think all "healthy" relationships have at their foundation the same factors: an experience of *mutuality* between the individuals in the relationship and the habitual practice of showing *respect* for each other. This describes not just intimate relationships but friendships, as well. Either you both agree you're acquaintances/ friends/ lovers/ spouses/ tango partners (tango being at the *top* of the hierarchy) and you treat each other with respect, or you've got problems.

(And, yes, for those who know a bit more about my personal life than I describe on this blaaahhg, I am aware of a so-called "friendship" in my life that does not meet those requirements, and I am heeding your warnings about that. Thank you.)

That said, I found myself very curious about Dr. M's question about protocol. Knowing she claims never to have an original thought -- that every idea passing through her brain is either sourced from "Friends," "The Sopranos," or her obsessive relationship with "Sixteen Candles," -- I wondered what was out there on the Internet about this issue.

There wasn't much. But there was the following, which I found exceptionally amusing -- it being a synthesis of a lesbian-straight gal friendship gone awry and TELEVISION. I totally copied it from a web site. Without further adieu, I bring you:

12 Golden Rules for a Lesbian Story

While these rules were originally derived from German soaps and weeklies, I have had to realize that many of them apply to American shows as well, and also to mainstream movies, Fassbinder films, and so on. Dullness and ignorance seem to be universal, don't they?

The more of these rules you follow, the more surprising and successful your little lesbian interlude will be. Minor deviations are permissible, but departing from the course too much might be too demanding on your intellectual abilities, or it could even shatter your entire view of life.

I. Initial position

Don't even dare to think that two single women could simply fall in love with one another, or that two women who have always favored only (or also) women could, or even two single women who happen to prefer women! No, the only possible initial position is the following one: One of the two favors women. The "real" lesbian, you might say. In the following, we shall call her "The Lesbian".

II. Constellations

The other woman is heterosexual, and in the history of your soap opera, drama show, or movies, there should have been absolutely no clue at all that she has ever contemplated having a relationship with a woman. Remember: Long-term preparation of a switch of emotional and sexual orientation is utterly unnecessary!

We recommend that the straight woman maintain a long-term, intact relationship (with a man, naturally). The Lesbian, however, is usually single.

III. Social Life

Your lesbian protagonist, as well as your short-term lesbian couple, do not entertain friendships with other gay people, nor do they ever feel the need to attend a gay club, or coming-out group, or alternative lifestyle center, or the like, or if they do, this may only be mentioned in dialogue, never ever shown! They live exactly like straight people, except for having sex with women instead of men.

Obviously, exposing viewers to a whole different culture might lead to severe brain damage or spontaneous combustion.

IV. The drama may begin

Enter: The Lesbian. The two women get to know one another and become friends.

V. The inevitable course of events

The Lesbian falls in love with the straight woman. Watch out: It may never, ever be the other way around, or even mutual! It is The Lesbian who takes the initiative, anything else would be in contradiction to numerous laws of nature.

VI. The confession

Please note: You may skip this item and the next two and move straight on to # 9, so that The Lesbian will attack without prior warning.

The Lesbian declares her love. This confession may also be expressed nonverbally. The preferred method is so dominant that it deserves a rule of its own:

VII. The surprise kiss

Especially strict rules apply here. The s. k. is principally initiated by The Lesbian. It is strategically placed at the end of an episode, and it is followed by a reaction on the part of the straight woman that ranges between astonished embarrassment, complete surprise and all-out horror.

We can distinguish two major forms of the surprise kiss:

a) S.k. light: i.e. a short version, usually with lips closed, and gentle to rigorous.

b) S.k., sugar-added: passionate, mostly extended smooching (rendering the straight woman's reaction afterwards especially convincing).

UCM interrupts: As a woman who's dated a few "straight" girls in my life, I should note something here. The "surprise kiss" actually *always* comes from the straight girl. And the shit always blows my mind. But as the author of this piece notes up front, presenting this story in any other way may challenge the viewer's intellectual capabilities. That said, I return us to the little soap opera unfolding here.

VIII. Limits

The object of her desires is shocked, naturally. She explains convincingly that she never, ever thought of another woman THAT WAY, that she wants to be "just friends", and that she loves her boyfriend, respectively her husband, deeply.

IX. By all means

Now there are two possibilities:

a) The Lesbian tries to forget the straight woman, and she wants to be "sensible", but of course her emotions are too strong for that, and she can't get her mind off her. – But why be so subtle?

b) The Lesbian keeps on making passes. In order to pull the stubborn heterosexual woman to her side, she will do anything: She will lie, connive, cheat, and most certainly make use of drugs and aphrodisiacs. Without the influence of such substances, mutual desire among women is simply unthinkable.

X. Tender prey

The poor straight girl being thus harrassed, IT happens in a moment of weakness. Depicting woman-to-woman short-lived desire is inspiring to male imagination, so you may want to put some effort in the love scenes. But you don't have to.

XI. A ladies' double spells trouble

Don't bother to allot your protagonists the usual romantic bliss of new lovers. After all, there are children and teenagers watching! No, simply let the ride on the emotional rollercoaster begin. Be it that the straight chick is immediately struck by feelings of regret -– a good opportunity, btw, to use the classic line "It was a mistake" (variation: "Yes, it was nice, but somehow it felt wrong") –- a case in which The Lesbian must resort to new tricks, or otherwise the straight chick just cannot make up her mind.

Additional feelings of guilt may be helpful. Don't hold back – it is not unusual for the heterosexual to change her mind several times a day, finally doing the exact opposite of what she was supposedly going to. Women are hysterical creatures, aren't they?

One of the newer variations is trying out a ménage à trois, which, of course, was suggested by The Lesbian, and which does not work out

XII. Living unhappily ever after

It goes without saying that at the end of a lesbian plot somebody has to live unhappily ever after. Now guess who! Maybe the woman that was turned around turns straight again returning to her place in the man's, man's world, or The Lesbian is such a butterfly that she cheats on her, or gets tired of her soon afterwards – be creative!

In case you are actually considering granting the women a happy ending (why that?), you must take care to spare your audience the sight of a happy lesbian couple for more than a short period of time. Actually, you have no choice: The couple has to leave town – and thus, the show – in order to make a new start somewhere else.

In case you are the unlucky writer of a permanent show and the actresses refuse to leave, be sure to let your lesbian couple get together only at the end of their contracts. That way, you will be rid of them, and they won't show up again until the first problems in their relationship arise.