The Lesbian Reformation

S2's husband says that men know they've done a good job dressing themselves if they show up somewhere and look *just like* all the other men. For your average woman, this would be traumatizing. It's wearing the same dress to the prom as your most feared or hated rival.

But, as I complained about in my previous post, this doesn't seem to be the case with lesbians out here in the Pacific Northwest. S2 suggests that lesbians, perhaps, have "evolved" into men, in the sense that they seem to have uniforms.

Some call this fair city of Portland a "Lesbian Mecca." And, truth be told, it is very much that. If what you're looking for is a good old-fashioned dyke (you know, the kind that sets off *everyone's* gaydar: see previous post for more details) or what Bubba calls a "blunt-haired hipster lesbian' (aka, 26 or younger, all with the aformentioned blunt hair style, trying to be androgynous and edgy all at once in a funky wardrobe assembled at Value Village, smoking cigs out in front of the coffee houses and listening to bands with names like "Split Wet Beaver in the Ice House." Apologies to Ani DiFranco...).

So there are these two uniforms. And there's that gender-bending "boi" business, in which one dresses in men's clothing, slicks back her hair and generally looks like a pubescent teen-age boy.

None of this is working for me. And I was *bitching* about that when S2 called me this evening. I mean, just BITCHING. (The previous blaaahg entry apparently didn't get it out of my system.)

S2 commented: "I've never understood the whole bit where a lesbian wants a woman who looks like a man. I hadn't given it much thought until you started talking about it a while back, but it does seem sensible that a lesbian would want to be with women who actually look like women. You make sense to me. You're a women who *loves women.*"

Hello!

So I said as how I was feeling like getting a bullhorn in the middle of the Pride festival and going off about how it's not a crime to look like a woman. (Again, see previous entry.) And how I feel like I'm not being true to my feminist beliefs that, among other things, women shouldn't *have* to look like anything particular. But at the same time, I've been culturally conditioned to shave my legs and pits, and whenever I get an eyeful of super-hairy chick pit, it kills any sexual energy I might have been developing there. (Like, I'm soooooo shallow! The feminist in me hates this.)

S2 says (cause she likes to imagine ants moving mountains), "Well, you could start a movement. You could try to bring lesbians and feminists toward embracing the feminine." (If nothing else, point out that the embrace of the masculine is hardly feminist in and of itself.)

There have been other reformation movements. Why not for my queer sisters? The Lesbian Reformation.... I'm just not sure what it would look like, because pantyhose and make up are out of the question. But here's what I might go tack up on the door at the E-Room and any other lesbian cathedral in town:

Let's start with more attractive sandals. Birks are so utilitarian. Keene makes some styles that are considerably cuter than what's adorning many feet these days. But no one is stopping you from buying some of the styling, comfy straight-girl sandals for sale at REI. (Even though I can't wear them myself on accounts of an orthopedic insert.)

Let's all ditch the fucking cargo shorts and wear something cute. (That would necessitate clothing designers making cute things in larger sizes while all of us got around to taking care of our bodies, losing weight and generally giving a shit about our appearance. To, as Dr. M might note, the cargo shorts wouldn't be necessary if we'd carry *purses* -- it's a novel idea, ladies!)

On the topic of purses, just say no to fanny packs. That shit ain't right. Save it for the hiking trail or nowhere at all.

And how about getting rid of those fucking mullets, ladies? Cut it short and cute or let it grow out on the top and the sides. There's no excuse for mullets. Not even that you don't want your hair to get stuck in the radiator when you've got your head jammed down in an engine block. Just wear a bandana to keep it out of the way while you do your dirty work, huh?

Get a stylist. As Bubba notes, there are a lot of beautiful faces obscured by really bad hair. It's OK to be pretty, ladies.

... Well, it's a beginning. Unfortunately, it's an uphill battle. And I sound like an anti-feminist, homophobic bitch. I want every woman to be considered beautiful for who she is, not for what she looks like.

But my motives here are simple and pure: I just want to increase the pool of women I'd feel inclined to fuck. That's not a crime, is it?