Mean & Nasty skills? Check! (Kinda...)

The years have mellowed me, my friends.

Once upon a time, I was a reliable source for the biting remark, the witty retort and a good old nasty word or two. But over the years, life has softened me a bit. I learned somewhere along the way that a) this kind of banter tends to alienate others and b) it's doesn't add anything good in the world (except if you were one of the unaffected onlookers who got a laugh out of it -- and there have been many...).

But what about spine? What about when the best thing to do is make an alienating comment? What about when mean and nasty is what's called for? ... I guess I've been wondering lately whether I've "still got it."

So allow me to offer a status report:

I still have a grain of mean and nasty in me. But I no longer know how to use it effectively. In other words, I can still be a bitch, but not necessary a funny bitch.

At least, that would be the verdict I must take from my class this evening, in which I was feeling a bit peeved with a Certain Someone and told her to "shut up." Yes, I told a classmate to "shut up." I've done this before -- to a different classmate -- but it was a very good-natured "shut up." This one wasn't. It was just an annoyed, cranky "shut up."

I don't even know that it was deserved. Not in the moment anyway. (An argument -- a very slippery one -- can be made that this "shut up" was delivered about a month ago, and that sound just travels slowly, especially coming from a slow-talking southerner. But I don't think I'm gonna get away with that one.)

Instead, one can reasonably say that some latent hostility floating around in The Self surfaced this evening when The Self was feeling particularly galled by having said Certain Someone question why The Self should make a presentation before that of another classmate. Certain Someone sounded pompous when she did this, and The Self got exasperated and said, "Shut up, Certain Someone."

The teacher then asked, "How did that feel to be told to 'shut up,' Certain Someone?"

Certain Someone said she was unable to identify any feelings. The Self said, "I apologize if I hurt any of your unidentified feelings. I was being facetious."

But let's get real. The Self was not being facetious. She was just being mean and nasty. ... The Self assumes those muscles must be stretched every once in a while to prevent atrophy. But The Self is *very disappointed* not to have come up with something funny. "Shut up" is just so ... lame.

How is that for some really fucked up third-person commentary about myself?

I am disappointed. But you know what? I can't be mellow all the time. I suppose if I'm going to be mean and nasty to someone, it might as well be the gal who tried to sell me her fruit farm a while back.

I was relieved to find out, when I got home, that my dog knew nothing about this bad behavior and still appears to love me. I'll take what I can get, OK?