Jen, save yourself. Look elsewhere.

I know I'm not supposed to be reading it -- cause it only makes me depressed and all, about the lesbionic options out there in the world -- but I was looking at craigslist anyway. And *this* was posted on the WOMEN SEEKING WOMEN page, thus making it the worst ad ever:

looking for my soulmate.. christian guy. - 26

Hello, I am Jen.
nice to meet you (: I am looking for my soul mate. You first off gotta like kids, cause I am a single mom, and my son is 3 yrs old. I am looking for a sweet christian guy, btwn age 26-34
Someone who is also looking for their soulmate too... I am a fun girl, love the outdoors, love the ocean, boating, cuddleing by the fire why watching a movie, hiking, water skiing, the beach, ect... I am funny, confident, with a good head on my shoulders (: I also love sports.. I look foward to hearing from you, (: plus im a big romantic at heart.. looking for a romantic guy as well... THANKS...


*sigh*

Jen, dear, you are SO not going to find what you're looking for here. Even if you had better grammar and and knew how to use emoticons properly, you would still be hard pressed to find good "Christian guy" on a LESBIAN billboard. All you're gonna find here, honey, is a bunch of bi-curious housewives who want "someone to be tender" with them in their first experience with a woman.

And let me tell you, I know of what I speak. As a lesbian who has been reading these ads for a couple months, I have seen the future, and it is not all that amusing.

In fact, Jen, one of my friends has suggested I start ringing up all those bi-curious women (as well as those looking for romantic, christian guys -- and, lady, what the fuck do you want a christian for anyway?) and that I start giving them a taste of girl action. Depending on how many I can convert from bi-curious to big-time-bi or even lesbionic, I might qualify for that toaster I've been coveting ever since Gus Van Sant and I had dinner a while back and BRO gave *him* an engraved, queer toaster.

But I digress.

Said friend suggests that, rather than being concerned about the toaster, I should simply assemble myself a posse. A posse of all the women I've converted from bi-curious to ... well, fans of posse. If you know what I mean. Say it aloud, Jen, if you can't figure it out.

So I'm not a romantic christian guy, but I am woman with a powerful tongue, very soft fingers and a libido that's a bit out of control these days. I'm experiencing some kind of weird second adolescence, but this time around, I know how to make a woman orgasm. And orgasm in a way that makes her feel like her mind and body are coming apart and being put back together in the most exquisite way possible. Which is more than I can say for christian guys, Jen. (And, OK, yeah, I'm totally full of myself....)

But I'm thinking that's a good bit more than you wanted to know, Jen. And probably a good bit more than you wanted, just in general. If that is, indeed, the case, then perhaps you should pay a little closer attention to where you post your personal ads, baby. WOMEN SEEKING WOMEN is not the place to find a romantic christian guy.

But then, considering how many romantic christian guys are reading the lesbian personals and getting their rocks off, maybe you've stumbled on to something. Maybe you've found the best marketing strategy ever.

But, also, maybe you've just found the likes of me.