How I'm a jack-ass of all trades

I believe I deserve passion in my intimate relationships. (Some would call this foolish.)

When I realize that I'm absolutely without this in my partnership, I open my mouth and say something to her about it. (Something as nicely worded as possible, mind you. And if you knew the kind of syrupy loquacity that I can employ when it's called for, you'd know I can be *incredibly* nice and thoughtful -- but still honest. This is both a hidden talent and something for which I probably will be sent straight to hell.)

Once the cat is out of the bag, I'm the kind of person to do something about it. (Am I really supposed to say, You know, darling, we've never had that chemistry. You admit it; I admit it. But, what the hell, let's just stay here in this situation anyway? I'm not 70, for christsake.)

When GF tells me we should break up, I agree. (Rather than fighting about it.)

When GF conversely tells me we should *not* break up, I disagree. (Exactly where is that missing chemistry going to come from when it's never been present? And which one of us is going to comprimise on the big Life Path question?)

Then, I throw a party, put on a big mask and dance. (Well, OK, the party was planned long before this. So let's back up: I do not wait until after the party to start having this talk with her. Timing is everything, and I clearly have very bad timing.)

When GF starts processing all this highly emotional stuff with me, I sit quietly and listen, speak soothingly and generally accept that I reap what I sow. But then, I tell her You really need to talk to someone else about this -- someone who's not *me.* She looks at me with disbelief and sadness. I add softly, That's because I am the source of your problem right now. Don't you think it's unlikely that I am going to do or say anything that helps you feel better? (Really, there's nothing soft about this, but I let's get for real: When you're splitting up, you need the support of your *friends,* not the person from whom you're splitting.)

Not to overlook my Catholic upbringing, I feel ever so guilty. But guilty about what? Wanting something better for myself? Not being able to commit to moving here and there across the country -- or the planet -- so that GF can pursue her Life Goals while I shuffle along, keeping her company?

No, the guilt is probably most deeply rooted in this "passion" issue of mine. When my fires get stoked, I notice. I've told myself for many years that it's an absurd pursuit to expect passion in an intimate relationship, mainly because it has been missing here with GF all along. (Even she told me the other day that she thought the absence of passion in our relationship from the get-go was a "good thing" because it meant a more "stable" relationship.) I'm not so naive to expect passion to be constant in a relationship, but I suspect you really need it at the outset so you can rekindle it from time to time.

In any case, it's something I don't have. And something I want. I tend to feel my emotions with some intensity. I can't say how it compares to the general population, but GF has many times commented on how "big" my emotions seem to her. Most of the time, this is played out in some kind of neurotic way: I'm annoyed by something or worried about the future or disgusted with my mom. But I also take fairly keen notice of things like near-death experiences. I enjoy laughter immensely. I take great pleasure in positive social relationships. And, as far too many people can now attest, I have no problem dancing like a fool.

Periodically, though, I'll get a taste of something really sweet -- something I haven't had the pleasure of enjoying in my love life: an unmistakable, heart-pounding sexual chemistry with someone I actually like. That last part is important, because I've had one without the other, but never both at the same time. That's a huge part of the allure for me. Perhaps it's absolutely foolish, but I think I can actually have *both* and enjoy them. More to the point, I think I should give myself the opportunity to experience that. This was not going to happen for me -- especially the part where I get to ENJOY it -- in this relationship.

So it seems time to launch out and find this. Or perhaps find nothing at all. Hard to say what the future holds. Please just don't tell me I'm a fool.