My attack of Tourette's

Even though I practiced (a little) my presentation, I still didn't manage to eliminate all the slang that comes to mind when thinking about paraphilias, and I also forgot to actually *shut* my mouth when certain thoughts crossed my mind while speaking. Therefore, my articulate contribution to the understanding of sexual disorders included the following phrases:

"jacking off," which prompted Dr. R (a classmate) to note in the middle of my presentation, "That language is not in the DSM." So, on a subsequent reference, I called it "getting his rocks off." I'm a classy woman, I tell you. CLASSY.

Those nice turns of phrase were joined by "sadistic bastard," in reference to the Marquis de Sade, and...

my helpful observation that, "Everyone deserves to enjoy a little riding crop action from time to time." (a nice bit of TMI from the dark corners of UCM's perverse mind -- although I should note that I was talking about S&M and that spanking scene in "Secretary.")

When class was over, Dr. R, human sexuality wonk, walks up and quips, "Hostile classroom environment, I'm telling you." Like, you're so uptight, I reply. "Yes, I'm a delicate flower," she says. "I could hardly take it. But then, just this week, I was talking to my students about the clit and how it will tend to 'disappear' as a woman starts to plateau. I found myself telling them, 'It's OK. You haven't lost it. Just keep going! It's a good thing!' So I don't have much room to talk about creating a charged environment."

Thanks to Dr. R's accompanying hand gestures, I'm pretty sure that's when my own circuitry blew.

Presently, Kim walks up with a bag of "treats" she brought for the class: condoms and dental dams. She asked Dr. R if she'd like to take the leftovers to her students. I reached in and pulled out a dental dam the size of Montana. What in the hell? "Have you seen a dental dam before?" Kim asked. Yeah, just not this big. There is no way in hell I would use this. Both of them looked at me with that old, You'd-Rather-Get-an-STD? look. I guess if I've got questions, I'll just keep my mouth out of it and stick with these magic fingers of mine.

I mean, if you can't make contact, what the hell is the point? Guys complain about "licking carpet," and I think, well, you obviously just don't know where to put your tongue! But licking LATEX? Kim said it was "flavored," but somehow, I don't expect they're using the right flavor....

All that aside, the presentation went surprisingly well. Most of my classmates managed to keep their snickers to a minimum, and there were no unexpected outburts. Except me and my Tourette's-like use of slang. I'd say the most amusing part for me, personally, was during the Q&A when the teacher addressed a question about why Transvestic Fetishism can be diagnosed *only* among heterosexual men. Certainly, there are women in the world who are aroused by dressing as a man. Young Jeff, sitting next to me, leans over and asks about the phenomenon. You know, I said, there are some women who don't have Gender Identity Disorder, but they like go out dressed up as men, even to the point of packing. Jeff mulls over that last word for a minute, staring at me, then his eyes suddenly widen and a sheepish smile curls onto his face. There's no telling what he was imagining, but it sure looked entertaining.

But seriously, why only heterosexual men? Talk about a cultural bias!