Good-for-nothing pump action

This is petty, but it annoys the living crap outta me:

I'm a sensuous woman, alright? Gotta lather myself up with lotion after I shower. Doesn't matter where I am or what I'm doing. (Although, I will admit that I have at times been forced to use 100 percent DEET mixed with sunscreen as a "lotion," but those were special circumstances.) Otherwise, I want something smooth, creamy and good-smelling to put on my skin after I bathe.

But lately, this has become a frustrating endeavor. That's because every fucking cosmetics maker in the world suddenly seems to have defective pumps on their lotion products. Either that or I've become a TOTAL sofa-king without my knowledge and simply don't have the neanderthal capabilities required to use a simple pump. Somehow, I'm thinking it's *not* me. In fact, I know it's not me. That would be an overgeneralization or some other defective thought pattern in the eyes of CBT folks the world over. And we couldn't have that. So it *must* be some cheap factory in China using cheap parts. Because I can't make the damn things work!

They start out OK. But it's not soon -- I am *nowhere near* the bottom of the bottle -- when the pump suddenly can't suck anything up and spit it out. Because my lotions tend toward the creamy side -- I like 'em thick -- they are murder to shake out of the bottle, especially a bottle not designed to expel the lotion from the neck. Ugh! Eventually, I get fed up and go buy myself another bottle of lotion, and my bedside table starts looking like a train wreck of half used lotions. GF, who is utterly anti-lotion, periodically notices the pile accumulating and suggests I have some kind of fetish or obsession. The only obsession I have, I say, is that I want to *use* what I paid for. Would it KILL someone to make a decent pump?

In other lotion news -- so maybe it is a fetish or an obsession -- I got this *squeeze bottle* of some French stuff that's so totally infused with the scent of roses that I can hardly stop sniffing myself when I have it on. Although this stuff contains a fair amount of shea butter, I'm loving it for the pure olfactory pleasure. I put it on yesterday afternoon, and this morning, woke up to the scent of roses still lingering on my arms. Nice! I love a lotion with a scent that lasts.