I, Therapist

I had my first therapy client EVER tonight.

No. 1: It was not the client I was expecting to be my first.

No. 2: For whatever reason, I had envisioned *any* client I would see tonight would just kind of sorta casually be interested in counseling but not really need anything.

No. 3: I also envisioned that I would stumble and fumble through my words, not be able to attune with the client in any empathetic way and would otherwise create feelings of disconnection and boredom within myself, if not the client as well.

No. 4: I was totally WRONG about items 2 and 3.

Right at the beginning of the intake process, I realized I had a serious client with a very serious situation on my hands. And rather than fumbling and fucking my way through what might have caused some novice therapists-in-training to flip out, I stayed calm and exceptionally present with the client.

In fact, I was surprised by my own sense of presence.

The other week, I was talking to S2 about something, and we got on the subject of "Be here now." I said at the time that "now" wasn't so much a problem for me as "here" usually is. That's a bad joke on my part, because "now" requires "here," if you think about it. But the truth is that my mind wanders. I am given to massive fits of abstract thinking and prone to quick synthesizing of information into some kind of sense-making narrative. Both of these habits can take me away from the Here *and* the Now very easily.

And yet.

Tonight, faced with my first client, I was absolutely riveted. She had a serious concern, but she didn't have the most compelling story I've ever heard. Nor did she strike me in ways that made me *want* to like her. She was neither elegant nor erudite, neither colorful nor captivating.

What she was, however, trumped the features that often bring my attention into sharper focus: She was in pain. She was asking for help. And I was the one expected to provide it.

That gets my attention.

So it was there, in the very first session -- what one of my classmates has called the "deflowering" of therapist -- that I felt the real weight of this profession we call "counseling." I felt a sense of purpose. It has been so fucking long since I felt such a thing, I cannot begin to tell you what it means to me.

I don't know if I will help this woman get where she needs to go -- I rather doubt it because this is a huge issue and our time will be very limited -- but I realized that even in just the hour we shared this evening, something therapeutic had occurred. She needed someone to listen to her, and that's what I did.

If she returns, I'll try to do more than that. But tonight, it was illustrated to me just how powerful that can be.

I also learned that I can actually ... listen.

Imagine that.