First, check for signs of life...

We interrupt this blog to bring you an important public safety message...

I had a CPR class today for the first time in many years. I don't know when the Red Cross made this change, but here's a little tidbit for those of you who, like me, are living with Old School ideas:

The new compression-to-breathing ratio is 30:2, not 15:2. That means you press someone's sternum 30 times in quick succession before giving them two rescue breaths.

In other news, the Red Cross no longer calls the Heimlich Maneuver "the Heimlich." It is now something generic, like "the pound-n-thrust." That's because when Heimlich kicked the bucket -- I assume he didn't choke to death -- his family decided that they wanted compensation for the name "Heimlich Maneuver." They demanded that the Red Cross and any other organization pay a fee *each time* the word "Heimlich" was uttered.

Well, at least they had a better justification for that bit of trademark action than back a few years ago with Donald Trump tried to trademark, "You're fired." (That made me sick.)

Anyway, for future reference, there's also been a little change to the "pound-n-thrust," as my goofy name implies. Before you go shoving your knuckles into someone's stomach, you're supposed to whack them five times in the back, right between the shoulder blades. And you should POUND THE SHIT OUT OF 'EM when you do it, too. Then, if the object blocking the airway has not dislodged, you go to the old Heimlich thrusting, where you bear-hug from behind and jerk those fists of yours upward into the choker's diaphragm.

Do that five times, then return to the back for five times and so on until they either cough up what they've swallowed or pass out and collapse (whereupon you start CPR).

This concludes this public service announcement. We now return to our regularly scheduled blog, already in progress...

... and so, that's when I thought it would be nicer to stop fucking with him (and perhaps far better to just plain old fuck him). I'm just sayin'.