My neighborhood is filled with stinky trees. For the month of June, these nasty devils have been assaulting my nose on every foray I've made from my home.
I don't know the scientific name of this tree, but I call it the Stinky Semen tree. This is because, the first time I smelled this wretched specimin down in California, I turned to a friend and asked, What the hell stinks to bad around here?
She replied, "Oh, it's that cum tree over there." And pointed at this large tree with a lot of yellow, pollen-covered spikes sticking out in bunches from clusters of leaves.
Cum tree? I asked. You think that smells like cum? That's not what it reminds me of at all.
"Men's," she told me. "It smells like semen. Really gnarly semen."
I'm not an expert in this matter, but my friend unquestionably is. So I have since referred to said stinky tree as a Semen Tree.
I've had several bilssful years without having to smell them. In fact, I thought it was something that only grew down in California. Until last month. When I discovered, at the height of the Semen Tree's pollen season, that my neighborhood is FULL of them.
The scent has been overpowering at times. So much that not only do I go out of my way to breathe through my mouth when near one, but I started to look for alternative walking routes to avoid them. Unfortunately, I discovered that there is at least one Semen Tree within a block of my home in ALL directions. In other words, no escape.
Having no alternative, I've just been putting up with this disgusting spooge smell in the air for the past month.
But I'm happy to report that, on my walk today, I noticed the ground below the nearest Semen Tree was covered -- absolutely littered -- with blown-out, dried-up empty pollen spikes.
By the end of my walk, my fondest wishes were confirmed: All the Stinky Semen Trees have shot their wads and the noxious scent is gone. This couldn't have come at a better time. I was getting really fucking tired of it.
Thus, it is with great relief and glad tidings that I pronounce Stinky Semen Season officially OVER.
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3 comments:
is it a deciduous tree or a conifer? if it looks like a spruce, then it's probably a deodar, although I don't remember them smelling like...boy juice.
I think the latin name is coniferous hirsutae ballsacus scentarum
It's deciduous. (Hence my reference to its "leaves," rather than its "needles.")
But my, aren't you funny! Hairy scented balls, indeed. If it was a conifer with small, nasty little pinecones, you might have something there.
The pollen wands are, however, very phallic. In fact, men probably see this tree and dream of having seven or 10 erections going on simultaneously.
When I used to live back in NYC, the ginko trees around Grammercy Park used to elicit the same reaction in me. They smell nasty.
I never articulated it as eloquently as you have, though. And even though I am a man -- and a male loving one at that -- I do not dig that fragrance.
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