Stage fright

So I'm making this gi-fucking-gantinc change in my life here in the next couple of days -- gonna strike out on my lonesome (with a dog) and completely reorient my life -- and it's really unsettling. There are some of the most ridiculous thoughts swirling in my head (and some not so ridiculous) that I sometimes can't think straight.

For example: Living alone, I've always had this fear of falling in the shower, cracking my head or whatever, and just being in there for days until some neighbor notices the water is running *all the time* and complains to the landlord. Because I don't have daily contact with anyone in my life, this *could* happen. And if you are one of those who would ask me to estimate the likelihood such a thing would come to pass, I will tell you that this did in fact happen to a neighbor of mine many years ago. Perhaps that lowers the likelihood I will suffer a similar fate -- in this random life of ours -- but still, it gives me the creeps, even if it is absurd and ridiculous. (Though it certainly wasn't for my neighbor.)

Or: No matter how much I try, I'll never get the timing down when it comes to cooking. I like to entertain and have people over for dinner, but it would totally suck if I screwed up the meal every time.

Or: Without a significant relationship, such as I had with XGF, I will not have anything to do on holidays. (My mother might invite me, but ... uh, no.) So I could end up spending Thanksgiving or Christmas, for example, dressing up the pup Brogan in some clothes he'd rather not wear -- I really think he needs a bowtie, myself -- and feeding him expensive, canned turduckin dog food by the teaspoon. Thus becoming: the crazy lady with the spoiled little dog.

I also am mightily battling the fear that I will never find what I'm seeking, which is a loving, intimate relationship in which all the really essential ingredients (intellect, humor, emotional maturity, sexual chemistry and an openness to adventure) exist, are present and available for enjoyment. Passion, will thou ever find me and stay a while? (Frankly, this is the worst fear of all.)

I suppose all these fears don't really matter. (I scare myself; they even hurt a little; but, oh well....) Because the changes I'm making are less about walking away from a "safety net" (which is very screwed up and full of holes, to say the least) and more about seeking a newer world -- and one that sparks me up at that.

Every time I travel somewhere foreign, I get seriously anxious just prior to the trip. I might think, for example, that some taxi driver is going to hijack me into a remote place, take my wallet and passport and all my luggage and leave me with nothing but my life. (I never think they're going to kill me. Just take every goddamned thing I've got.) I won't speak the language good enough to get the help I need. I won't have any money. While walking some dirt road back to town, I'll get really dirty, which I *hate* to be. I'll be thirsty enough at some point to drink the local water, and then be shitting out my guts, too. The only toilets available will look eerily like props from "Trainspotting." When I finally find the embassy, it will be closed (and of no help even when they open). And people will *still* be begging from me because I'm white.

It's an absurd story. All a traveler's fears wrapped into one hideous tale. (And, truth be told, a little distorted to make my point here.)

What is my point? I travel anyway.

Just like I'm going to pick myself up off this here chair and go move to a new home. If the tub's all that slippery, I'll put those little anti-skid strips on it. And somewhere along the line, I believe, I'll get the timing down on the food. And I will, in truth, be happier to play silly games with the pup on Christmas than to subject myself to the lengthy, off-key incantations of some weird judeo-christian hoo-haw my mom uses as a prayer before eating.

As for the passionate relationship, perhaps it will be ellusive. Can't hurt to look for it, though. It's not like I have something better to do where that's concerned.

But still. I'm a touch scared anyway.