The episode in which I ask: "Who *is* this woman?"

So last week, I have lunch with Red, and I break the news to her that GF and I are splitting. Red and her husband, Mr. Clean, are regulars on our social calendar. GF has known Mr. Clean for 10 years, starting under rather peculiar circumstances. In an unrelated situation, I did five years hard labor in Corporate America with Red. So it was natural that we'd start socializing. They come over for dinner; we go over for dinner; they come over for dinner; it's been quite the volley match.

Over sushi, I tell Red the Whole Story, the *official* story that GF wants me to tell our friends -- plus the bit about me and my quixotic pursuit of passion, such as it is. Red sits with her mouth open for a minute, then responds the way she *almost* always has: with humor, compassion and a recommitment to her belief that I'm utterly incorrigible. We've eaten lunch together countless times, and just about every time, there's something notable that comes up in the conversation. But the punch line to *this* meal was so outrageously unexpected, that I was a little taken aback.

"Well, since you and GF are breaking up, I guess I can tell you this now," Red says. "Mr. Clean has many times over the past several years said something to me about GF that ... Well, OK, he said, 'UCM, there's *no question* she's gay. But GF? I just don't think she is. I wouldn't be surprised if they broke up some day and GF started to date men.' It's just something Mr. Clean has been thinking for a long time. What do you think about that?"

Exactly *why* does Mr. Clean lable *me* gay and *not* GF?

"I don't know," Red said. "It's just his instinct."

Straight people. ... Perhaps some of my straight friends -- and those who are a bit queer but living the straight life -- can tell me what the hell this is all about? Anyone?

But wait! That's not the end of the story!

So, the other evening, near-xGF and I are engaged in yet *another* discussion about this divorce situation, when n-xGF says, -- out of the blue! -- "I hope you won't be surprised or bothered if ... well ... if I date a man after we're all broken up."

Have you been talking to Mr. Clean? I asked.

"Not since the party," she says. "Why?"

I had the weirdest conversation with Red the other day, I reply. She told me Mr. Clean thought you might just do that. He's apparently thought so for years.

"Huh, that's *weird,*" n-xGF says. "I wonder why he would think that?"

Well, apparently *you* are not necessarily gay in his mind. But, get this, *I* am unquestionably gay. Then, I think for a minute and say, What do you *mean* you're going to date men? Where did *that* come from?

"I don't know," she says. "I was just thinking...."

So this is where I ask: Who *is* this woman? Six and a half years together, and there's not a peep about being anything other than gay. Now, suddenly, it's part of our breaking up. It's just ... odd.

It's important to note some things here:

First, I never have and don't expect I ever will give a good goddamn who my xGFs date after we've gone our separate ways. What business is that of mine?

Second, despite Anne Heche (which I say in the same tone that Anne Frank might say, "Despite the Nazis...") I find it impossible to be condemning of bisexuals. Enjoyable sex (depressing when it's anything else, I can tell you) is a great spark no matter which consenting adult is putting it to you. I mean, to each our own.

But I gotta ask: What's up with Mr. Clean? Why am I so unquestionably gay? Is it my willingness, even without intoxicants, to objectify Halle Berry (yummy!) (or Helen Hunt when prodded)? Was it the Angelina Jolie as Laura Croft screensaver I had at work? Is it the way he saw me take a woman's coat at my Mardi Gras party? It's hard to say. But, c'mon! Somewhere in here lies some stinking stereotype.

And I gotta ask n-xGF: It really ain't my business, but ... Say WHAT?