The butch-femme thing

I've got this weekly salon going with some of the women at school, and one of the topics we discussed today has been itching at my brain since I heard talk the ladies talking about it. One of the more contentious issues in gay relationships is the matter of gender roles. Not to say that gender roles aren't a problem in heterosexual relationships, but, as Dr. M pointed out, straight people fall into those roles more easily. Gays have to sort it all out amongst themselves.

This year, I attended a Superbowl party attended solely by women. Only two (if that) weren't gay. Sometime during the fourth quarter, an argument ensued. The essence of it was that within the lesbian culture, there is a preference for "butch" women, frequently (though not exclusively) defined as gals with a more masculine look and attitude about them. Femmes tend to get trashed up one side and down the other.

One of the women at the party -- I'm thinking it was one of the straight women -- said this attitude was inherently anti-woman and anti-feminist because it is a rejection of the feminine and an elevation of the masculine. Femmes, she argued, are often regarded as weak and not authentically queer because they stick to the gender roles "assigned" by the broader culture. Further, she suggested that butch lesbians are a political put-on, a powertrip on the part of women who want to milk the male gender role for its perceived social benefits. One of the more butch women in the group got her panties (her boxers?) in a wad over this and became very defensive, saying that her masculinity was an authentic representation of herself. At the same time, she claimed that femmes were just girls who want to fly below the radar and avoid the social disapproval of being gay.

Things got really heated. Even though I was in another room and no longer paying attention to the game, I got a big earful of the debate. But generally, I tried to tune it out because this topic always annoys me a little.

On the way home from the party, XGF was talking about the argument. "Wouldn't you be offended if someone said called you feminine?" she asked me.

Uh, no, I replied. I'd actually like to think there's *something* feminine about me. I *am* a woman.

XGF sighed. We've been down this road many times over the years. She's insulted when someone says she's feminine; I'm insulted when someone says I'm "butch."

I'm recalling a conversation that came up years ago in the writing group where XGF and I met. This group was composed primarily of old-school lesbians, women in their 50s. There was some scale they were all talking about -- something like a Kinsey scale, but it was ranking how butch or femme a woman is. Let's say it rates 1 as femme and 10 as butch. Most of the women were claiming something in the 7 or 8 range. They asked me how I ranked myself, and I simply replied, I don't.

I swear someone *hissed* when I said that. Then, they all started ranking me themselves, based on godonlyknows what criteria. Someone ranked me as high as a 9 (ouch!), but I think the consensus averaged me at a 7.6381 (or thereabouts). What was their criteria? My short hair? My direct manner of speaking? The fact that I don't wear makeup? I remember thinking: You people have no fucking clue who I am. But what I said was:

You can put whatever stupid ass number on me you want. I'm not going to accept it. I'm just ... *me* and nothing but *me*!

I have never been able to wrap my mind around the whole butch-femme thing in any way that allows me to accept all the stereotyping inherent in it. I do use the word "femme" as a shorthand to describe women who look feminine and sometimes use "butch" to describe women who look more masculine, but there's a big gap in the middle that is neither femme nor butch nor androgynous. They're women.

Butch and femme are divisions based on more than looks, though. There's a lot of *attitude* associated with the role-playing that goes on, such as determining who is more mentally tough, who engages in emotional "caretaking," who is the protector, the decision-maker or the one who drives the relationship. There's also that division-of-labor issue, whereby the "man" in the relationship does the yardwork or kills the spiders, while the "woman" in the relationship does the laundry or something.

All of this -- the debate about looks and the attitude about gender roles -- is what was being critiqued as anti-woman and anti-feminist by the one woman at the Superbowl party. For the record, I'm in *her* camp. I've always thought the essential element to a good lesbian relationship (aside from that *passion thing* that's been insanely missing in my life) was an egalitarian attitude. After all, here is the opportunity for women to be *who* they are, to express themselves in relationship with another in the way that suits them rather than falling into -- or being forced into -- prescribed gender roles. When two women set up house, there are no rules about who wears the apron and who weilds the hammer -- or, for that matter, does both or neither. And yet, so many lesbians eschew that opportunity by enforcing existing gender roles based on this notion of butch and femme.

I think that sucks. (How's that for erudite and thoughtful?)

All I can say for myself is that I love women. And I mean: Women.

Perhaps my biggest failing as a feminist -- and the thing which undermines my chances of finding a partner in the lesbian community -- is that I find women who look like men, who look especially masculine, to be rather unattractive. In truth, if there was a Bad Idea in my relationship with XGF, who, thanks mainly to her haircut, looked extremely masculine when we met, it's that I *tried* to get past this, to be open to *the person* rather that being concerned about appearances and sexual chemistry. Indeed, I did find a decent enough relationship that way, but it totally lacked the spark and arousal that I experience when my attention is captured by witty, intelligent women who have more feminine qualities to them. (Just what those qualities are, I can't say exactly, but I know what I like when I see it, and it *never* looks like a man.)

I'm thinking of something Dr. M told me a couple weeks ago about my dating criteria as I contemplate my future as a single woman: "Don't give up on looks," she said. "I tried that once, and it didn't stick."

I hear ya. Didn't work for me, either. ... It's just that in Dr. M's world, this kind of discrimination is acceptable: No one blames a woman for wanting a masculine man. Over here in lesbian land, though, my love of the feminine is some kind of heresy. Might as well get out the sticks and start building the bonfire now, though -- because I am, indeed, incorrigible.