Hi, my name is UCM, and I'm ... just watching

I went to my first-ever AA meeting last night. My graduate program requires all students to attend at least four of the infamous "anonymous" meetings: Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Alanon and one "wild card," which can be Gamblers Anonymous, Cocain Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, etc.

So last night, King Rex, Rather Shy Classmate and I went to an AA meeting a few miles from my place. Including us, there were 29 people there, six of whom were women.

The meeting was a bit boring in my book. And according to RSC, who once upon a time was a babysitter for an AA chapter near her home, this particularly group was "exceptionally God-y." Of course, when she spoke those words, I thought she meant "gawdy," and I replied: Really? I thought they were all rather plainly dressed....

"No, not 'gawdy,' 'God-y.' G-O-D," she said. "They had a really strong focus on 'God' versus your typical 'higher power' stuff."

Totally.

In fact, I was a bit weirded out by the whole thing. Because even though I knew AA was into that 'higher power' stuff "as you understand it" (or whatever the wording is), I noticed these folks kept talking about "God." They also ended the meeting by reciting "The Lord's Prayer," which is that "Our father, who art in heaven" thing. It was a turn-off for all three of us. I contributed a dollar to the meeting coffers, but I was *not* going to utter a word of that prayer.

Anyway.

If this was all that was standing between me and death by alcoholism, I would be totally Leaving Las Vegas, my friends.

The whole idea that you have to surrender to a "higher power" to get control over your own life is a bit weird for me. But weirder still is the notion that, according to the information read at the beginning of the meeting, there are some people who are "constitutionally incapable" of recovery.

Let me understand this: You must acknowledge that you are powerless to combat alcoholism yourself and turn over the reigns to a "higher power," but that same "higher power" is limited in its ability to help you if you happen to be "constititionally incapable" of recovery, which includes being honest with oneself.

Now ... HOW THE FUCK IS THAT?

I mean: If the "higher power" has the ability to help your average alcoholic, why is it not powerful enough to help this other special class of alcoholics who are "constititionally incapable" of being honest with themselves and whatnot? How can you surrender to something that only kinda-sorta has the power to help you?

King Rex explained it to me: "By turning the situation over to a 'higher power,' they're basically relinquishing control, which allows them to relinquish guilt and self-loathing over the things they've done and any relapse they might experience. It just takes the pressure off."

I gather that if you just keep failing and failing and failing to get sober, AA has an answer there for you, too: It's OK because you are "constitutionally incapable." What can you really expect? Don't punish yourself.

And perhaps this is all true. I don't know. I've never been addicted to alcohol, so I've never had the need to quit it.

Nevertheless, I get hung up on the part where a "higher power" can fix some people but not others. I feel sad for the ones who don't meet the minimum standards set by the "higher power" and do not, as a consequence, get sober.

The other thing that really gets me to wondering is about the value of self-efficacy. I mean: If alcoholics who used AA to clean up could take the credit -- if they realized that it was THEM, not some "higher power" who got sober and stayed sober -- might they not experience more self-confidence and a greater sense of self-efficacy?

Or does the belief in the "higher power" accomplish the same thing, in that they believe there is something looking out for them and changing them and thus can be counted on again to work some mojo when needed?

What happens when they surrender and let the "higher power" attempt to do something else but it totally fails?

These are things I was left wondering about last night.

That and whether the woman who was stoned and the man who was kneading his hands in stress managed to make it 24 more hours without a drink. There's a certain soap-opera like quality to the whole thing. It makes me want to go back to find out what happened to those folks.

I wish them luck.

My next meeting will either be NA -- because I hear they have a fabulous group hug at the end instead of that prayer stuff -- or it will be one of the other two. For my "wild card," I'm thinking of gambler's anonymous. I have a friend who I'm keeping an eye on with regard to her gambling. May come in handy at some point to tell her what a meeting is like....