Let's blame it on patriarchy

As far as I can tell, most of what's wrong with the world can be blamed on the patriarchy, which can basically be defined as the system of governance and social custom that has been created by ... men.

We can blame the war in Iraq on patriarchy. We can blame the lackadaisical progress toward alternative fuels since the OPEC oil crisis in the 1970s on the patriarchy. We can blame Corporate America, Islamic fundamentalism (ji-haaaad!), Christian fundamentalism (yee-haaaaw!) and the presence of Howie Mandell on television again on ... patriarchy.

It seems about the only thing wrong with the world that you might blame on women are the proliferation of home shopping networks.

And perhaps the creation of ... more men.

I'm on this kick not just because I attended a raucous and fun anti-war march downtown today, but because I have been reading yet another scintillating book for my Couple's Therapy class. This one -- "How Can I Get Through to You?" by Terrence Real -- blames the trouble in relationships between men and women on the patriarchy.

First, let me say: NO SHIT.

Second, let me address this a little more thoughfully: NO SHIT!

So we have a book here that gets something right: There is a fundamental inequity between men and women -- based on nothing but history and bullshit, the difference in their size and the greater tendency of men to be violent -- and it plays out in relationships just as poorly as it plays out on the world stage.

Women, taken on the whole, prefer men who are able to communicate their thoughts, display a full range of emotions in a respectful and non-violent way, have a sense of dedication to the relationship and do not lay claim to having, as SNL put it last night, "restless penis syndrome."

Men, on the other hand, apparently just want to be left alone, to come home to a well-cooked meal, watch television, interact with their children from a safe distance, have sex with their partners for the purposes of getting off, relieving tension and fulfilling the "intimacy" demands put upon them by said partners. What's more, they are rarely unhappy.

In fact, according to Real, the average heterosexual relationship doesn't contain an unhappy man, just an unhappy WOMAN who subsequently makes the man unhappy with her unhappiness.

For a couple weeks, I've been appreciating what Real has to say because there's a certain truth to this.

But today, it's sticking in my craw something fierce.

That's probably because I was thinking, as I peeled some sweet potatoes and shredded some kale for a soup I'm making, that as a modern woman -- admittedly a lesbian, a feminist and highly educated (in other words, three kisses of death when it comes to empathizing with how pathetic men can be) -- I was trying to imagine myself in this relational repair therapy with a fake spouse. Specifically, I was wondering how I might respond to the following comment by said fake husband:

"It's not that I don't love you, honey. It's just that the patriarchy did all this harm to me when I was a little boy. It taught me not to express myself. It taught me intimacy is a weak, feminine trait. It's going to take me a long time to get over that kind of childhood trauma. So you're just going to have to be patient with me."

I'm not sure, but I'm thinking that this is where I'd back up over the guy on my way out of the parking lot and make sure the last thing he saw was the mudflaps with the chrome nude silhouettes on my pickup.

Seriously!

It's just that I keep wondering while reading Real about the how and the why of the relationship repair being placed squarely on the shoulders of the women. See, according to Real, women are wise enough to know what the problem is in the relationship (because SHE is the one who's unhappy, right?!). All you have to do is empower her to speak her truth and somehow help the man learn how to listen to it and change his pathetic patriarchal, privileged ways.

Yeah. That's all.

You know, I am totally behind the notion that the woman usually knows what's wrong in the relationship. But I don't like the description of the what's wrong as being that "the woman is unhappy, and the man is unhappy because woman is unhappy."

To me, that just sounds like one more excuse for men.

Not only is the patriarchy responsible for the emotional ineptitude of men, the problem with relationships is caused because women have simply not accepted the playground rules established by them. And giving men that kind of "fact" to chew on in therapy only seems poised for other commentary, such as that issued by my fake husband while I was stirring this soup:

"It's not *my* fault that you're unhappy, honey. I'm just as much a victim of the patriarchy as you are, what with that childhood trauma I suffered! I am doing my best to shake off the paradigm, but it's not really made any easier by your unhappiness. You're not especially attractive when you're unhappy. You're aggressive. You're not giving me the space I need to heal my man-wounds. You expect me to change THOUSANDS OF YEARS of social convention just because you're unhappy with it? I'm trying, I tell ya! Cut me some slack, you tameless shrew!"

*sigh*

Last week, one of my straight friends and I had a conversation in which she uttered the following: "From my admittedly privileged heterosexist position...."

What she had to say following that introductory prepositional phrase was rather meaningful to me. I was expressing my reaction to an article I had read, and she explained her differing perspective in a way I could really hear what she had to say.

But this week, I'm thinking about that phrase she uttered and finding her position not so privileged. Not when it comes to this matter, anyway. Simply by virtue of being a woman in a relationship with a man, she has an uphill battle on her hand. *All* of my straight female friends share the same fate.

Gays and lesbians have their own difficulties. We are an embattled minority in many respects. But what we don't have is the struggle of crossing the gender divide and of being constantly thwarted in those efforts by the ground-in stubborness of too many millenia under male domination.

I don't know what the answer is. But from my admittedly less-than-privileged position, at least I don't have to deal with it in my home.