My vagina's by Burberry....

There are dark things on the Internet. Some of them, I love. Some of them horrify me. Some of them attract hidden little parts of me that never otherwise see the light of day. But then, there's just plain old disturbing.

I'm thinking, in part, of the proliferation of sites dedicated to plastic surgery that will resculpt your vagina. In other worse, vaginoplasty.

It seems all sorts of notions about how sex *ought* to be and what a woman's labia *should* look like have generated the need for designer vaginas, which includes surgery to tighten the vaginal walls by sewing them closer together. At the same time a procedure called labioplasty allows you to have excess parts of your labia removed -- or conversely, have your labia enlarged -- if you don't like its size and shape.

And if you're a woman in need of a like-new hymen, you can get your Humpty Dumpty sewn back together again.

These procedures are being touted on the Internet as a way to improve your sex life, especially for women who've given birth and are now regarded by their partners to be a bit loose. It creates more sensation, doctors claim. Mainly for the guy.

One of the OB/GYN surgeons who does a lot of these procedures can be found on an Internet video talking about how a patient's husband called him -- after surgery for a urninary tract problem happened to result in a tighter vagina -- and told the doctor, "It's like having the same wife but a new woman."

And that, this doctor happily reports, is how vaginoplasty was born. He realized that the stitch-up job he did on the urinary tract patient could be applied cosmetically. Thus thought, now done.

Online videos include testimonials from women saying stuff that makes my jaw drop:

"I don't have to have extra stimulation, so to speak, with sex. Just actual sex. I'm able to have a lot more orgasms. There's a lot more sensation. It doesn't take as long."

When I hear women say things like that, I feel sad. In fact, there is so much "wrong" with that statement above, that my heart aches a little for the woman who said it.

What stimulation in sex must be considered "extra stimulation"? Why not simply be able to give and receive pleasure, regardless of what part of the body or what area of the genitalia is touched?

"Just actual sex." Now, I know my sex life has been exclusively with other women for the past 15 years or so, but I still wonder, even for heterosexuals, *what on Earth* constitutes "just actual sex." And if you have to put the word "just" in front of it, is it something that you actually want? Sounds a little lackluster to me.

"It doesn't take as long." Most of us enjoy a quickie now and then, but a really heart-stopping sexual encounter should, in my book, take a little while. And if it's really *that* awesome, you should want it to last. Why "get it over with" if you're enjoying yourself? Why not stay and linger a while?

And then there's that whole business about orgasm. As a lesbian, I am accustomed to the orgasm. Just in the nature of women-loving sex, there is plenty of room and attention given to pleasuring your partner. Not to say all girls do this for one another. Some intentionally don't. But in my experience, it's pretty common, and I have enjoyed an orgasm nearly every time I've had sex for the past 10 years or so.

Nevertheless, I have given considerably more thought lately to what one of my friends calls, with dismay, "our orgasm-centered society." She has questioned repeatedly the value of the orgasm as the goal of sex. At first, I thought she might be saying this because orgasms aren't a common occurrence in her world. (I never asked.)

But then, the more I considered what I understood her to be saying and later coupled her comments with my reading of "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch, I started to contemplate more deeply the intimacy in sex that has nothing whatsoever to do with the spasms and contractions of my inner sanctum.

I had a lot of mixed feelings about Schnarch's work. But one place I'm in agreement with him is that fabulous sexual encounters -- and I've had a few -- have at their core some real connection between partners. Both parties take the time to be present, to be truly involved with and focused on the other.

I once had a lover who was especially present -- rarely taking her eyes off of me -- and always seemed tuned into the cadence of my body and my sexual process in a way that was highly unusual in my experience. It was incredible sex. And had there been a deeper emotional connection between us, I shudder to think what the sex might have been like.

Well, I'm still young -- and according to Schnarch, the best sex one has is often in the 50s and 60s -- so there is time yet to see what new experiences may blossom in the new relationships awaiting me in this life.

But I don't need a new vagina to find out just how awesome sex can be in my middle age. In fact, I daresay that most women -- including those who've had babies, as a few of my lovers have -- do *not* need vaginoplasty to have good sex. Nor do their male partners.

We have so many strange body issues as it is already, my sisters. Let's please not start agonizing over whether our vaginas measure up to the "Playboy" ideal. Let's love our pussys just as they are. And fuck the men. Yes, fuck 'em. Or fuck the women. It's your choice. But you don't need a designer vagina to do it.