From the In-box Archives

When going through my in-box, trying to decide how to manage the 1,037 e-mails that are currently clogging up the screen, I found the following exchange between me and S2 that I made me totally laugh when I read it again.

For a little background, we were talking about the existential nature of grief and the impatience I feel with myself at times.

-----Original Message-----
From: UCM
Sent: Monday, June 19, 2006 11:45 PM
To: S2
Subject: Re: wanna bail?

i hear what you're saying about the grief. i just wish it wasn't so fucking inconvenient.

one of the ways i *knew* there was no "loving" god -- and figured, no god at all and CERTAINLY not a "perfect" creator -- is that women have messy, inconvenient and frequently painful menstrual cycles. if there was a perfect creator in the universe -- one that actually cared -- menstruation would not be painful and would not require tampons or pads because you'd be able to hold it in like pee.

this is also how grief should be. you should be able to store it up for more convenient time, whereupon you should be able to unload it at a place and in a manner of your choosing. and it shouldn't hurt.

also, our belly-buttons should be able to produce a bite-sized piece of german chocolate cake -- or whatever our favorite confection might be -- at will.

also, i would like arms that were sufficient to give myself a good back massage. or at least to apply lotion to my entire back easily.

and furthermore, every time a pretty woman walking down the street says, "oh, how cute!", she should be talking about *me* instead of my dog.

but none of that's going to happen. therefore, there is no god.

--On Jun 20, 2006, at 12:01 AM, S2 wrote:--

Dude - Can I live in that world! I want the cake feature. Then we could sing "God is great, he gives us chocolate cake."

OK - but if you could hold it like pee, would you go running to an isolated place, saying loudly and urgently, "I have to grieve, I have to grieve!"?

The burden of menstruation seems to me to be foreshadowing for a life of responsibility, inconvenience, grief, AND great joy and ability. We have to know how to handle pain without running through the room screaming, "I have to grieve." OK, so it's not actually all that bad, but you get my point...

UCM's comment for the blog: What a vivid image, that whole bit about running around a room, yelling, "I have to grieve!" I can see it so clearly. You know, what I see, I think, "Hey, that wouldn't be so bad. If we would get as worked up about our grief -- and then find so much relief in releasing it in one fell swoop -- as when we've got to pee really badly, I think that would be GRAND.

Other cultures are so much more spectacular in their displays of grief than we here in the United States. Maybe they understand something about the physical experience of grief that the rest of us are fighting because of our silly social customs about what's appropriate.

We uptight white people of European descent find it unseemly to throw ourselves on the coffin at a funeral and make a big fuss over the departed. But perhaps we should. Or just fucking sob. Or have a big heady wake with a lot of alcohol and a lot of drunkeness that results in lots of weeping at the night's end.

I hade a really bizarre dream a few weeks ago about two competing graveside services. I had a job as a funeral coordinator at a cemetery (in my dream), and these funerals were causing me trouble. One funeral was the dreary, staid religious sort, but a bishop was blowing incense out of a peace pipe. Another was a New Orleans-style send off with a jazz band and a lot of colorful umbrellas.

I suppose there are parallels to be found in this dream of the grief experiences I've been dealing with in my life, which have quite been competing with each other and hitting many different levels of my psyche. Loss of relationship/family has been very present, while at the same time, in marking the five-year anniversary of my youngest brother's death, I have, I think, found a much greater level of peace with losing him.

I'm pretty sure somewhere along the line, I have run around a room somewhere yelling, "I have to grieve! I have to grieve!" And have gotten just as dramatically upset as a child who's been holding it for way toooooooo long. But let's keep that between us, shall we?

However, I'm still waiting for the german chocolate cake dispenser in my belly button. It would give a whole new meaning to that Ani DiFranco lyric, "I am feeding on your body." ... Let's all just make a deal right now? When the dispenser shows up on my belly, it's a sign the End Times are at hand. Put *that* in your Bible and swear on it.