Late for an Important Date!

S2 turned 40 yesterday.

When I saw her briefly, she was rather ill from some sort of respiratory (or other) infection, and I was bringing her a box of probiotics to counter the loss of precious flora and fauna caused by the gnarly antibiotic she's taking to dump the infection. I think she still had a fever. So that is not exactly what qualifies as a "happy" birthday. But it was her birthday nevertheless.

Even all ratty and tired, the woman is a lovely example of a human being at 40. I'm sure when she gets over what's ailing her, she'll be back to the youthful vigor she normally has. All I can say is that at 40, we should all be so lucky.

As for myself, I'll be hitting that mark later this year. S2 is the first of my friends who are my age to enter our fifth decade, and I've found myself a little fixated on that. Normally, I could give a shit about age. What's on the calendar is less a representation of age than how you're actually living your days, I figure. But there's something about 40 that has captivated me.

I think it's because at 40, I expect I will *then* be undeniably in middle age, undeniably an ... adult. Yet something in me still feels like a big goofy kid.

On top of it, I noticed that I've internalized all sorts of messages about 40. One of them is that there are no babies after 40. Of course, I know this isn't true. But I suppose in *my head,* I've decided that I will DEFINITELY NOT reproduce after age 40. Although anyone who knows me knows that I've not had any intentions to reproduce, somehow or other, turning 40 seems to be putting that possibility, that decision, that omission, into its final resting place.

Etched on that rock: Ain't. Gonna. Happen.

Maybe never having kids has kept me from feeling like a grown up. Maybe never actually ever having grown up is what's keeping me from feeling like a grown up. Maybe there's actually no feeling like a grown up, and whatever I thought I was going to feel is just a silly expectation left over from childhood.

I just know I expected to feel different by now. Kinda weird, that.