Horse shoes & hand grenades, lesbian style

I tried to ask a woman out on a date earlier this week. This would be my first attempt at such a thing.

My approach was both classy and humorous. I think I did alright.

Except for the part where maybe the woman isn't queer, after all. (As the saying goes, 'close' only counts when it comes to horse shoes and hand grenades.)

We exchanged phone numbers and e-mail addresses and were engaged in a discussion about wine when she dropped a little H-bomb into the conversation by mentioning her ex-husband. Up until this moment, her sexual orientation had been ambiguous, but I had been operating on the notion that she's queer.

I first got this idea a few months ago when she asked me if I watched "The L Word." Such an inquiry between women, one who is openly lesbian but who are otherwise strangers to each other, is (in my view of things) what XGF and I call "Lesbian Dropping." This is part of the coded language that identifies one as a lesbian without having to state so outright. The Asian has suggested I rename this aspect of gaydar "L(i)GBIT guano" to be more inclusive of the whole alphabet soup of possibiliities. And true, the woman *could* be the 'B' or the 'I' or even identify with the 'L' word itself.

But I'm operating on the assumption that she's straight and that her willingness to exchange numbers and stated interest in going out is rooted in the desire for friendship. We seem to speak each other's language, and I find her charming, so I'll pursue that.

I'll just add her to a growing list of non-queer female friends who I find attractive. And I gotta tell ya, people, a lot of my girl friends are BEAUTIFUL. Most are also salt-of-the-earth kind of ladies with immense hearts and a rather high tolerance for yours truly. So it's a pity, then, that none of them are girlfriend material. (Well, there is this one who *could* be -- if we weren't so alike in some dangerous ways. But that's a different issue....)

Anyway.

A few friends have suggested the woman I asked out yesterday might still be in play, but I can't operate with that in my head. I'm calling her straight unless she tells me otherwise. (And if you're wondering why I don't just ask ... well, I imagine I probably will at some point -- if only to do some sense-making around that "L Word" question. But workplace politics have required discretion until this week, when she left her job and made it possible for us to become something other than professional colleagues.)

In the meantime, it seems I'm back at Step One. This is the spot where I've got nothing going on, not a single damn prospect, nary a sight of an available woman who piques my interest.

What I'm looking for is rather basic (but apparently not especially simple). A good match would be between the ages of 30 and 45, engage in stimulating conversation, have the desire and emotional capacity for intimacy and share the spark of sexual chemistry with me.

I might flex on the age thing, but I gotta hold tight on the rest. When it comes to an intimate partnership with another person, 'close' has proven entertaining and growth-inspiring but still just ... not enough.